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Absolution
by ljc
6/08
Summary: Was the press conference enough? AU ending for TSbBS.
Warnings, Ratings: Death story. Further warning at the end. FRST for subject matter and language.
Note: Prompt (doctor) from the SentinelThursday list.
Disclaimer: All characters, places, and objects from The Sentinel belong to Pet Fly Productions, UPN, Paramount and the SciFi Channel. No money is being made. No copyright infringement is intended. Any resemblance (of original characters) to any person living or dead is purely coincidental. No similarity to any person either living or dead is intended or should be inferred. This story was written by ljc with the love of the show in mind.
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Blair had a lot to think about. The problem was that he couldn't do it with Jim hovering guiltily over his every move so he made a sketchy plan. The first phase was to get Jim to go on a grocery run. Blair made vague promises of something home-cooked, a longed-for comfort food, and Jim had finally relented. Jim had to force his way through a few stubborn reporters but he finally escaped to the relative quiet of a store they didn't usually frequent, and was halfway across the city. That had been another part of Blair's plan, to delay Jim as long as possible.
Blair had kept as calm as he could as he made his own escape. He had pulled on a disreputable jacket and a knit hat, and had tucked his curls out of sight. He didn't think even Naomi would recognize him, so he wasn't worried about reporters as he slipped down the fire escape. He threaded his way down a couple of back alleys and was soon as anonymous as anyone could be on the streets of Cascade.
Desperation had moved him this far, but his 'phase two' plans were pretty vague, so he simply began walking without a destination in mind. His dissertation had been leaked with disastrous results, and he'd tried his best to deflect the subsequent media circus. The question that tormented him now was, had he done enough to throw them off? 'Them' being the Bracketts of this world.
He couldn't help the mental flinch at the thought of his press conference. He'd trashed his career and his reputation pretty thoroughly he'd thought, but he could have done more. The purpose had been to protect Jim, and to do that people had to believe that he had lied to Jim and to Rainier University. They had to believe that he was an ungrateful friend and an unethical researcher. What if it hadn't worked? What if he'd blown his best chance?
Blair walked for hours as he analyzed the events of the past few days until exhaustion and mental anguish finally overwhelmed him. The pain that swirled through his thoughts finally manifested physically. His fists clenched and pressed into his stomach in a vain attempt to ease his discomfort until he stumbled heavily against the wall of yet another backstreet alley. Self condemnation had reached such a point that he ruthlessly suppressed his own feelings. They couldn't be allowed to take precedence because too much was at stake and he had decisions to make. When he'd finally willed the pain to subside, he stumbled on his way.
He took no notice of the time or his whereabouts. The chill wind and the darkness that had descended meant nothing to him except as minor distractions from his thoughts. He cared nothing for their effects even when he began to shiver convulsively. All that his mind could comprehend was the devastation that he may have brought on Jim. The consequences for himself didn't matter. Was there more that he could have done? Was there more that he could do? Those questions hounded him.
When the rain began, his hat had quickly soaked through and the water dripped down his neck. There was nothing to protect his face but he took no action to wipe the rain away, yet something eventually brought it to his notice for he stopped, closed his eyes, and raised his face to it. He allowed it to bathe his features as he remembered. Eventually his thoughts stilled as if the water made the demons within vanish. He remembered that he had been cleansed once before.
Alex, in attempting to murder him, had instead released him. He'd walked by Rainier's fountain every day since, and every day he had pushed it a little further from his conscious memory, but tonight it had come back. He shuddered as he remembered that encounter with Alex. At first he'd been afraid, then he'd felt such a lightening of his burden, a washing away of all the mistakes and misunderstandings with the beckoning of the light. Suddenly he began to gasp, sobbing as the answer finally came to him, a way to release his demons, a way for Jim to be free as well.
He'd wondered for months why he'd been given a second chance at life. Why hadn't she made sure that he was dead if that's what she'd intended? How much pain would have been averted if only he'd died, and stayed dead? It was all so confusing ... Blair had come back from the brink through Jim's intervention ... but for what? Sandburg luck had run true to form. Just look at the mess his survival had wrought! So much had gone wrong since Alex. This was his last chance to make it right.
The rain had turned to sleet, and Blair's roller-coaster of emotion had sapped his energy. He was so tired that he couldn't even shiver anymore. He barely had the strength to keep on walking, but he knew he had to, but where was he going? ... What was he doing? ... What ...? In his confusion he glanced up from his path. He saw a brighter light in the darkness. The wind had subsided but the cold had deepened and the sleet had turned to big wet flakes of snow. The path curved and Blair followed it without once considering that it was one he'd walked almost every day for nearly fourteen years.
He stumbled several times before he was stopped by an obstacle in his path. His mind blank, he almost turned away, but he was so tired. The snow fell around him, insulating him from the sounds of the campus. Blair sat on the stone surrounding the fountain. He drowsed for a moment and his hand slipped into the water where it created tiny ripples that were soon lost in the spray from the fountain. It didn't feel cold at all, on his white-cold fingers. He lifted his hand and caught drops in his open palm, letting the water drip to the surface.
He smiled wearily, knowing that fate had led him to where he needed to be, but doubt assailed him once again. Would it be enough? Would even this give Jim back the life he deserved? It had to be. It was the only answer he'd found.
He climbed awkwardly over the barrier. At first the water burned a little, but the feeling faded into a welcoming warmth. Tears of relief flowed as he sank into the water. He felt his burden lift from his heart as the water wrapped it's supporting arms around him, giving comfort as it lapped the tears from his face.
It was here that a flash of light caused two souls to merge, but Blair knew that for the right price any bond could be severed. It was here that one man would be set free, and one miracle undone.
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finis
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Suicide.